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INVASION OF THE ANGRY WHITE RAPPERS!
So we get this CD in the mail by this guy named White Dawg. He's this badass-looking cracker, and he's decked out in FUBU gear and wearing a bandanna around his head just like Tupac used to. We read his poorly penned bio, wherein we learn that he has written songs with titles like "I Wanna Lick the P*ssy" ("an instant underground classic") and "You Smell Like Doo Doo." Then we play his CD, in which Dawg not only screws everything that has a hole and takes his imaginary AK to anything that slightly annoys him, but he also inexplicably says "nigga" a lot in the first person. But at least he's polite enough to thank his mom, dad and God in the liner notes.
After scooping ourselves up off the ground (where we had fallen in a fit of hysterical laughter after realizing that, no, it wasn't a joke), we thought, "Hmmm, it sure seems hard to keep track of the slew of trying-too-hard angry-white-boy rappers these days. And there must be people out there who couldn't tell Eminem from Everlast. Why don't we compile a scorecard for everybody, showing what the differences—or lack thereof—are among them?" And so it came to pass ... Read more by downloading the full PDF below. |